Pardon My Crotch
by Ciamil B
Summary: Naruto has the habit of facing people when he passes them to get to seat. For people sitting down, it means getting a look at his crotch. For people standing up, well, it means getting something completely different. Yaoi. SasuNaru and others. School AU
1. First Down

Pardon my Crotch

Summary: Naruto has the bad habit of facing people when he goes past them to get into a seat. For people sitting down, it means getting a good look at his crotch. For people standing up… well, it means getting something completely different.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto! Please! Don't take me away! I-I still haven't legally bought 18+ manga yet! Please! Just wait a few more years!

A/N: It's been along time since I've written Naruto fanfiction! This idea came to me a looonnnggg time ago. I just started to read Naruto fanfiction again a few days ago, so BAM, a SasuNaru fiction started to unravel.

Chapter One: First Down

Pairings so far: Some SasukexNaruto, KakashixIruka, some ItachixKisame

Future: GaaraxNeji, + maybe others

-------

Uzumaki Naruto scowled as he entered his English classroom. It wasn't the English classroom that was making him feel crappy. No, the English classroom was as disorderly and chaotic as it usually was before the teacher arrived. His classmates were still trying to find out how to get the rat out of the air conditioning thing, to calculate how far it was from the window out and down to freedom (the school gates), and to pee in the numerous plants around the room (the bathrooms had been out of order since an upperclassman named Deidara had blown up the toilets in the name of art).

Well, actually Kiba was the only one who was trying to pee in the plants. Most of the people around him were trying to stop him.

So it wasn't the class itself that made Naruto want to kill someone. In fact, English was one of his favorite classes because Iruka taught it, even if his least favorite person was in it. Normally this class went by smoothly because Iruka was an awesome teacher and people were all scared of him, which was why his least favorite person didn't dare to do anything to him during class. Before class was another matter.

Right now he wanted to kill someone. Violently. With a fork. Preferably with many forks, actually.

The person who he wanted to kill, his least favorite person in the whole freaking school, was standing right in front of him and blocking him from safety (which was also known as Gaara's 'I'll kill you, bitch' zone). Of course, this had happened before, but it had never happened after Naruto had had a horrible time in chemistry (honestly, which teacher compliments students by saying 'your skin looks very lovely today… I want your body'?).

Naruto glared at the bane of his existence, who currently had a smirk on his face.

"What's wrong, idiot?" Meet Uchiha Sasuke: the bane of Naruto's existence. He was the guy who always bought the last bowl of ramen noodles, the guy who shoved mayonnaise down Naruto's pants in 6th grade, the guy who had announced over the intercom that Naruto liked playing neopets (after that the 9th grader Naruto had gained a very loyal 6th grade following), and the guy who basically did anything he could to make Naruto miserable.

Naruto bristled in anger and clenched his fist. "Idiot? I'll show you idiot, you bastard!" Naruto yelled before he lunged forward to rip that smarmy face off that son-of-a---

"Na-ru-to!" Right before Naruto could even slightly touch the Uchiha-bastard's face, a fist came out of nowhere and tried to lodge itself into Naruto's head, succeeding in causing Naruto's face to meet the floor, which could have been very unpleasant if the plant right next to his position was just two inches closer. Water (from Kiba) tends to spread like that.

"Ow! What the hell, Sakura?" Naruto yelled and rubbed his nose. Behind him stood a very pissed off Haruno Sakura.

"I told you to leave Sasuke-baby alone!" Sakura yelled, shaking her slightly throbbing fist at him. Hitting Naruto's thick skull hurt more than she made it seem.

Sasuke winced at the very embarrassing nickname.

Naruto scrambled to his feet and opened his mouth to retort angrily, but the sight of Sakura's still balled fist made him stop and think. Personal safety, or witty comeback?

"Augh, fine! I'll go!" Naruto muttered angrily as his choice, throwing his hands in the air.

"You! Not a word," Naruto hissed to Sasuke, who had just opened his mouth to deliver a final taunt, and then hopped the side to step on Sasuke's foot violently. "Have fun _Sasuke-baby," _he taunted, leaving a cursing Sasuke and a screaming Sakura behind as he ran to Gaara's 'I'll kill you, bitch' zone as if the demons of hell were chasing after him to lodge unidentifiable objects in him.

"Naruto!" Naruto's ears ringed as Sakura's parting screech nearly made his ears explode. Good Lord, that woman could scream when she wanted to. It made him glad that she only screamed at him for things concerning Sasuke. And whenever he did stupid things. And when he got bad grades. And when he forgot to get her a birthday present.

Naruto grumbled as he slid into that special seat next to Gaara that most people were afraid of sitting in. Gaara, concentrating on his newest edition of Karma Sutra, didn't even spare him a glance.

'Maybe I should invest in some ear plugs and new friends,' Naruto thought before he leaned over to look at the book with Gaara.

-----

Later on that day, while Naruto was in Maito Gai's '1,001 Ways to make YOUR Life more YOUTHFUL,' a school-wide assembly was announced, which should have led to every student standing up after 7th period and treading like cows to the auditorium.

Because their instructor was Maito Gai, certified teacher but widely proclaimed maniac, their class was located in a random hill outside of the school buildings. Despite this, it should have been very easy for students in the class to hear the announcement and head to the auditorium (it was done by Rock Lee, for Pete's sake. Who can't hear that?), but certain other things made it hard…

"AND THEN WAY NUMBER 480 IS TO GO TO LAS VEGAS!"

Mr. Maito's voice was loud enough to wake the living dead, and was definitely loud enough for the man himself to not hear the announcement made by his youthful protégé.

"Um, teacher? I just heard the –"

"FOR SEX! BECAUSE SEX IS YOUTHFUL! AND WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS IN VEGAS SO NOTHING EVER COMES BACK TO HAUNT YOU."

"I think we have an assembly—"

"IT'S USEFUL BECAUSE IT HELPS RELEASE ENDORPHINS, WHICH INCREASE YOUR WILL TO LIVE—"

"Can't we just whack him over the head and leave"

"Kiba!"

"OH RIGHT, IT WAS MY JOB TO EXPLAIN SEX TO YOU GUYS!"

"Oh, for the love of—"

"Mr. Maito?"

"YOU SEE, A MAN'S (bleep) GOES INTO A WOMAN'S (BLEEP)-"

"Mr. Maito!"

"LOOK, I HAVE SOME PICTURES ON ME-"

"Mr. Maito!" Everyone yelled, covering their eyes from the X-rated photos in Gai's hands. Gai paused.

"YES, YOUNG BLOSSOMS OF WONDERFUL YOUTH?"

"There was an announcement from school just now! We have an assembly!"

Gai struck a thinking pose that was made horribly wrong and traumatizing because of the ungodly amount of spandex the man wore.

"Ah yes, I do recall Lee telling me something like that this morning in the hallway!" Gai said loudly, putting away the pictures. "Very well, everyone stand up and let's go back to the school together." Naruto shuddered. It was scary how normal Mr. Maito could be when he wasn't in teacher mode.

Naruto glanced over at Gaara, hoping that maybe his friend would stand up first so that he would help pull him up.

'Is he doodling naked people?' Naruto thought to himself. Indeed, Gaara was doodling a picture that looked remarkably similar to the photos Mr. Maito had just shown. Naruto shuddered. He didn't want to know what was going on in Gaara's head. It was a scary place to be.

------------

By the time his class had gotten to the auditorium, almost every seat was full. People were chattering very loudly, girls were talking about who was hot (Naruto was mildly disturbed to hear the some people thought Mr. Maito was hot), and Kiba was _still _trying to pee in plants around the room.

"Go and sit in your seats," Mr. Maito urged his students. They all nodded, but avoided looking at him directly. Apparently his X-rated photos had caused profound mental trauma and instilled a need for brain bleach.

Naruto grabbed onto Gaara (who was _still_ doodling naked people) and marched towards the section of the auditorium reserved for their grade.

"I keep telling you man," Naruto said when Gaara tripped over an unfortunate person's foot, "you don't have to add shading and stuff like that for porn. Mr. Jiraiya."

"That is why he will never be a true artist," Gaara said, glaring at Naruto, and then glaring at the person who tripped him up. Naruto was unaffected by Gaara's 'I'm going to kill you with nothing but a nail and maybe some mangos' glare, but the poor sod two rows behind them nearly peed his pants.

'Oh noooo,' Naruto groaned mentally as he caught sight of which seats were free in their section. Only two seats were free. One was between Hyuuga Neji and Sakura in the middle of the row, and the other was next to Uchiha freaking Sasuke one seat away from the aisle.

"Okay, Gaara, I'm gonna go sit next to Neji and Saku—" he started to say to his now attentive friend, only to be cut off when Neji practically lunged past five people to grab and drag Gaara down next to him.

"Naruto. I'll be taking him," was the only thing Neji said before several people squawked at the painful feeling of a redhead stepping on their toes. Inner Naruto burst into sobs. Couldn't Neji have waited at least forty-five minutes to get his hands on Gaara?

'Damn hormones,' Naruto sobbed to himself, before composing himself. 'No! I can't be weak! If I'm weak, people will prey on me. If people prey on me, I'll die. If I die, I can't eat ramen, so I must be strong!'

Naruto gulped and looked at the back of Sasuke's head, which he swore was smirking at him like hair could do sometimes. With trembling feet, Naruto reached Sasuke, who looked at him with a surprised look.

"Want to sit next to me, Naruto?" Naruto vaguely noted that this was the first time in a long time that Sasuke had called him by his first name, but he pushed that thought out of his head very quickly. He shook his head vehemently.

"Only because there aren't any other seats, you jackass!"

"Whatever," Sasuke sneered. From the row behind them, Shikamaru sighed and wondered why Naruto was so troublesome. Honestly, seeing Naruto insult Sasuke, and Sasuke getting hurt, then seeing Sasuke insult Naruto, and Naruto getting hurt but not realizing it was getting a little old.

Sasuke smirked at Naruto after a while. "It looks like you'll have to get by me first."

"I know! I'm not an idiot!" Naruto yelled. His face was turning red as it always did when he talked to Sasuke. Somehow the guy in front of him was always capable of getting Naruto riled up.

"Excuse me, then," Naruto muttered. If there was one thing that Iruka had taught him, it was good manners. That, and how to pick out perverts from regular people.

Silence. Sasuke just looked at Naruto.

"You're supposed to move, you bastard!" Naruto yelled.

"Move where?" asked Sasuke.

"Stand up and move out onto the aisle, duh!" Naruto yelled, pointing out randomly behind him, causing a random person to yell his pain out because Naruto had just poked him in the eye.

Sasuke looked at Naruto like he was an idiot.

"Idiot," Sasuke said to make his thoughts known, "I'm not going to step out there," he finished, pointing a finger in the general direction of the entrance to the auditorium. Naruto turned to look at the direction the finger was pointing. It looked like a stampede was coming, and no matter how much Naruto hated Sasuke, he knew that no man in his right mind would want to step out into that.

---------------

Across the aisle from them, a playful Hatake Kakashi poked a rather worried Umino Iruka (not in _that _way).

"Aww, aren't they cute together?" Kakashi whispered loudly, reaching over to hold Iruka's hand.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into allowing this," Iruka whispered back. Honestly, how could he have gone along with Kakashi's plan to make the two boys resolve their differences? Sure, it hadn't been hard to strike up a conversation with Sasuke regarding his work, and then get out of the seat when Naruto appeared, but Iruka was started to get scared that there would be blood on the floors before the assembly was over.

"It'll be the best for both of them," Kakashi said, nose nuzzling the English teacher's cheek. "I was getting tired of making sure that they don't kill each other during my class." Iruka frowned.

"If you really didn't want them to kill each other, you'd stop pairing them together for projects," Iruka said, remembering the time he heard Naruto complaining about how Sasuke was a terrible father and was not doing his part of the work. It had been a nightmarish 'Take Care of a Digital Baby' assignment.

"Well, part of my job is to make sure that these kids get educated," Kakashi said shrugging, "and we've always had an uneven number of boys and girls."

"You realize that I'm the one who has to clean up after your messes, right?" Iruka asked in a pissed off tone.

"Yeah, I know," Kakashi said, "thank you for that. I can _repay_ you if you want me to."

"Oh really," Iruka said with an uninterested voice, but turning his head ever-so-slightly towards the Sex Education teacher, "then I suppose you'll _repay_ me later tonight." Kakashi grinned and tightened his fingers around Iruka's. It looked like he had stopped Iruka from worrying about Sasuke and Naruto.

'The sooner they stop fighting,' Kakashi thought to himself, 'the sooner I'll be able to explain STDs _properly_ with pictures and graphics and everything.' The infamous Naruto-Sasuke fights were making him look like a bad teacher, damn it.

--------------

"Fine! Geez." Naruto grumbled and tried to walk through Sasuke's legs. "Damn it, move your legs!" He didn't wait for Sasuke to reply before he forcefully used one of his feet to push the Uchiha's legs out of the way; he failed miserably.

Their school was cheap and had decreased the space between rows. There was barely enough room to start with, and the size of Sasuke's seat made it practically impossible to get by the Uchiha.

"Okay, this isn't going to work," Naruto said, giving up. He glanced up at the entrance of the auditorium. The crowd of students heading towards him was starting to make him nervous. A movement from Sasuke caught his eye. Sasuke had just stood up in place, causing the cushioned seat to retract, leaving more space for Naruto to move.

"Go on, idiot," Sasuke said with that ever-irritating smirk on his face, "and acknowledge that you'll always need my help to survive."

"Shut up!" Naruto yelled, giving Sasuke the finger ever so discreetly. Be discreet I mean straight up in his face. "I could have gotten past you myself," he hissed before starting past Sasuke.

Anyone who was watching would have found it funny how quickly Sasuke's face changed from smug to shocked to smug again as Naruto shimmied his way past Sasuke.

"Why Naruto," Sasuke said, making Naruto look up at him, "I never knew you felt_ that way_." Naruto made a miffed face.

"What way, bastard?" Naruto asked, pausing in his shimmying. They were now face to face. Sasuke didn't reply, and just stared at Naruto. Naruto felt his face turning red.

'Gah! We're too close!'

--------------

A couple rows behind them, Gaara's eyes widened a millimeter. His best friend was in a very… indecent, to say the least, position with the person he claimed to hate.

"I was wondering when this would happen," Neji said, breaking Gaara out of his turning-murderous thoughts. Gaara turned to look at Neji, who was eating a packet of gummy bears. Since the brunet had pulled him down, they had spend their time together in complete silence.

Gaara didn't even know why he had pulled him down. It wasn't like they were friends, unless you counted Gaara trying to stab Neji in the arm with a protractor two years ago a sign of friendship.

"Wondering?" Gaara demanded. Already he was figuring out the fastest and safest way to dispose of Sasuke's body. Maybe the biology lab? Dead things turned up there all the time…. Sasuke's body wouldn't be _too _out of place. Besides, he knew that the teacher, Mr. Orochimaru, wouldn't be too averse to having Sasuke's body.

"You know, when all the hatred between them would actually turn out to be unresolved sexual tension," Neji said nonchalantly, popping two more gummy bears into his mouth. Gaara stared at him.

"Yeah, I was wondering that, too!" Sakura said from beside Gaara. Both boys turned to stare at her. "What?" She asked self-consciously.

"I thought you liked Sasuke," Neji said. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"Sort of. I mean, he's hot and all that, but the other girls and I always thought it'd be hot to see Naruto and Sasuke together," she said.

"Besides, I think they'd get along if they just stopped fighting all the time," she continued, "You know this morning? If I didn't stop Naruto from hitting Sasuke in the face, I swear there would be a huge make out session in the middle of the floor after they tackled each other down to it."

Neji hmmed in understanding. It made sense.

"It was rather obvious," a new voice added. The three of them turned to see Sai, one of the upperclassman. "Orange Idiot's reactions to Dead Barbie's barbs and jabs were always far too explosive for him to just feel hatred towards Dead Barbie."

"Yeah!" Deidara said from beside Sai. "And Itachi's little brother! Geez, pulling on Naruto's pigtails alllll the time." From the other side of Sai, Sasuke's brother Itachi nodded.

"I do not make it a habit to search in my brother's room," Itachi said, a snort from a nearby Kisame making it clear just how often Itachi searched Sasuke's room, "but I have found material leading to the conclusion that Sasuke is indeed homosexual and attracted to men of the blond variety. And by blond variety I mean Naruto."

Everyone hned at that information and turned their attention back to the rows in front of them, where Sasuke and Naruto were still in the same position that they were left in.

"Gummy bear?" Neji offered Gaara.

"All your asses are mine after this," Gaara said to everyone surrounding him before he took a gummy bear. Oh yes, the biology lab would be getting many visitors that night. It was going to be hard to take down Itachi, but manageable.

'I just need some watermelons,' Gaara mused to himself before he started plotting the deaths of those around him.

------------

While others gossiped about their relationship a couple rows behind them, Naruto and Sasuke were in a standstill.

"Explain to me what way!" Naruto demanded. His natural tendency to not admit weakness or defeat under any circumstance caused him to get all up in Sasuke's grill despite feeling fluttery feelings in his stomach.

For the past two minutes, Sasuke had just been smirking at him and repeating "you know what way." Frankly, it was getting annoying, and the prolonged period of close proximity was making Naruto's head light.

'I must be getting sick,' Naruto thought to himself, 'my head feels really light! Gah, the bastard probably slipped something into my drink during lunch!'

This time Naruto asked, Sasuke was a little more inclined to take pity on him and explain. That, or he just wanted to piss Naruto off more.

"The way that makes you feel comfortable enough to pass me like _this_," Sasuke said, emphasizing the last word by pointing to the space between them.

"Pass you like what, bastard?" Naruto said angrily. People were starting to stare, and it was reaaalllyyy making him feel uncomfortable.

"Like this," was all the warning Naruto got from Sasuke before the latter thrust his hips forward.

'What the hell?' Naruto screamed in his brain, going into overdrive. It felt _good_ and something like this, especially with someone like him, feeling _good_ was just _wrong_.

-------------

Kakashi's eyes widened when he saw the movement Sasuke made and then the position that Naruto and Sasuke were in. Glancing quickly at the man next to him, he saw that Iruka had yet to notice.

'Quick! Distraction method!'

"On second thought," Kakashi said lowly, "how about I tell you how I want to _repay_ you tonight?" And when Iruka turned to him, Kakashi knew that the crisis had been adverted.

'Maa, I didn't expect it to turn out this way,' Kakashi thought to himself, 'but I guess it's all for the best. If they don't sex each other up, at least they'll be awkward and not fight so much during our classes.' And then he proceeded to tell Iruka where they were going to go, what they were going to eat, and what they were going to do afterwards at their place later that night.

----------

Gaara stood up, growling in anger and ready to tear Sasuke out of that row so that he, Gaara, could sit next to Naruto. Neji was quick to pull the redhead down.

"Let me go, or I will kill you," Gaara said seriously. Neji shrugged.

"I hear that from Sasuke all the time. I'm immune," Neji said, pointing at himself, "Also, you're probably already going to kill me for not telling you of stuff going on between Sasuke and Naruto." Gaara continued to glare at Neji with hate in his eyes.

"Shhh," Sakura shushed them, "it's starting!"

"Yeah," Deidara added, "save your hormonal fights filled with sexual tension later!"

"Deidara, you think that everything is caused by hormones and sexual tension."

"Yeah? Doesn't mean I was wrong. Was right about you and Kisame."

"Oh shut up."

--------------

"WILL EVERYONE PLEASE SIT DOWN? I REPEAT, WILL EVERYONE PLEASE SIT DOWN. THIS ASSEMBLY WILL NOW BEGIN."

'Escape, escape, escape, oh God, I have to escape,' Naruto thought to himself over and over again. Brain kicking his body into action, a flushed Naruto practically shoved Sasuke away and dove into the seat next to Sasuke, just as the lights were dimming and some very important person walked onto the stage.

'Well, we certainly have something to talk about later,' Sasuke thought to himself as he sat himself down. He wasn't terribly sure where he stood with Naruto right now, but it sure as hell didn't show on his face. The heavens had blessed him with an older brother who was a pro at being stoic.

',' Naruto chanted to himself. '.' Sadly, for Naruto, when inner turmoil occurred, it occurred both internally and externally.

From a couple of seats back, Gaara glared at Sasuke.

'Uchiha… I will _end _you.'

----------------

A/N: End of first chapter.

I hope you guys liked it. By the way, anyone willing to be my betareader? Anyone have time?

Next chapter: Naruto _still_ doesn't know what he did wrong, Sasuke is sexually frustrated, Gaara wonders why Neji wanted him to sit there and also plots to kill Sasuke, Maito Gai's past in Vegas comes back to haunt him, Kakashi repays Iruka, Sakura finds a love of her own, and everyone wonders what the hell is up with the upperclassmen.

- Ciamil B. =D


	2. Always have a backup plan

Pardon My Crotch

Pairings: Sasunaru, KakaIru, Gaaji, Sasodei, Itasame, and more

Chapter Two: Always have a backup plan

A/N: ARGH! I just realized some mistakes I made in the last chapter:

"I keep telling you man," Naruto said when Gaara tripped over an unfortunate person's foot, "you don't have to add shading and stuff like that for porn. Mr. Jiraiya _(I didn't finish this) doesn't do it_."

'_I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home,_' Naruto chanted to himself. '_I want to go home, I want to go home._' Sadly, for Naruto, when inner turmoil occurred, it occurred both internally and externally. (_This I did add, only ff did not let it show)_

There will always be some inconsistencies in this fic… For example, in the last chapter, I called Orochimaru both the biology and the chemistry teacher. Soooo I'm making him the teacher of both. =D Let's just say he doesn't have much of a social life (both due to his job and his personality), which makes him both creepy and misunderstood.

A lot of stuff I said would happen in this chapter will not happen. Some things will, some things won't, and some things will come much later.

Teachers (so far):

Umino Iruka: English Literature

Hatake Kakashi: Sex Education

Maito Gai: Life Issues and Inspiration

Orochimaru: Chemistry and Biology

Jiraiya: British Literature (Upperclassmen)

Anko: French

Asuma: Spanish

Yamato: AP U.S Government

Morino Ibiki: AP Psychology

**Thanks to: **blueberry, gigi, HorsesRain, Itooshii Koneko, piratepenguin666, Carollipop, AspergianStoryteller, auzurite, YYWKMN, murciegala, and zimeatspotatoes for the reviews!

NOW ON WITH THE STORY!

-----------------

During the assembly that day, Naruto refused to talk to Sasuke, and Sasuke, thinking that he could corner Naruto later in the music room, didn't bother talking to Naruto either. It was a stupid mistake, because later after the assembly ended, Naruto practically ran off out of the school to get home where he could play neopets and relax. Sasuke had tried to run after him, but a misplaced foot (from the same guy that tripped Gaara up) foiled his attempts.

Thus the day ended with a frustrated Sasuke, a desperately trying to forget Naruto, a pissed off Gaara, many interested classmates and upperclassmen, and a very busy pair of teachers.

----------------

The next day, Sasuke was expecting to be able to corner Naruto and talk about what had happened the day before in the auditorium. Sadly, Sasuke grossly underestimated just how far certain people (and perhaps the bearded man in the skies himself) were willing to go to make sure he never got the chance…

After his Chemistry class, Sasuke walked down the corridor to room B302, where Naruto had Physics in, only to see a sign blocking the way reading:

"WARNING: FLOOR SLIPPERY. GO THROUGH UNDERGROUND WAY"

And so Sasuke did. Only when he went downstairs, he was immediately tripped up be string, and then covered with what seemed to be honey and chicken feathers. It was not pleasant, and it took Sasuke nearly twenty minutes to get all the stuff off of him.

After freeing himself, going to Economics class late and getting detention, Sasuke tried again to corner Naruto in Naruto's US Government class. But when Sasuke reached the classroom door, he found an ominous sign taped on it saying: "ANYONE WHO IS CAUGHT LOITERING WILL BE FORCED TO BE J.D TO MY DR. COX. YOU WILL NOT LIKE IT," which of course made Sasuke get the hell out of there.

Sasuke gave up for the next two periods of Drama, and then Physics (Naruto was in Psychology and then Study Hall) because he and Naruto were too far apart from each other. Then, before Naruto's French class and his own Spanish class, Sasuke tried to corner Naruto again in the hallways. However, when he reached Naruto's French classroom, a very large sign hung on the doors saying, "ALL UCHIHAS WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT."

This made Sasuke wonder what the hell his brother did to make the French teacher, Ms. Anko, so angry. She _was_ his homeroom teacher, after all.

Because the French teacher was a well known insane person, and his own Spanish teacher was almost equally insane (if not more), Sasuke decided to give up. Sure, it was against his pride to do so, but no one would ever know. Except for the very person who didn't want him to talk to Naruto and kept on cock-blocking him.

(Gaara sneezed inside of the French room)

And so Sasuke was unable to get to Naruto at all in the morning, leaving him horribly, horribly frustrated.

----------------

Gaara smiled (causing people nearby him to scream and faint in horror) when he saw Uchiha Sasuke walking away from the French room. He gave a 'hmph' of satisfaction, and then turned to pat the head of his friend next to him reassuringly.

"Mrgmm," Naruto mumbled, "five more minutes, Irukaaaa." Gaara shook his head. Naruto was so out of it when he was sleeping.

"Hey, what did you do?" Neji asked from beside him. Gaara turned to glare at the long-haired male next to him. How did Neji not understand the meaning of Gaara's 'I'll kill you, bitch' zone?

Gaara's glare did not have any affect. Instead, it only made Sakura, who was sitting in the row in front of the three of them, turn around and ask the exact same question.

"Go away," Gaara said slowly, hoping to whoever was out there to pay attention to his words and make the people around him (other than Naruto, of course) either shut up or spontaneously combust.

"Do I have to?" Upperclassman Deidara whined from behind them. "I wanna know too, un!"

"Yes, I find it quite interesting as well," Upperclassman Sai added, "how Panda Face has protected Orange Idiot up until now."

"If you keep on pestering me," Gaara said in a threatening voice, "you'll find out as soon as you enter your next class."

Obviously because of his dark tone and not because of the fact that Ms. Anko had just walked in and was carrying a very poisonous snake, everyone around Gaara shut up.

"Listen up brats!" Anko yelled. "Due to the stupidity of one of the Uchiha brothers, we'll be having class in here _all the time_ now. That means no more going to the special French classroom three doors down." The whole class groaned. That meant no more air conditioning!

"Damn it!" a random student yelled.

"Damn it is right," Anko said, "and whoever thought it was a good idea to convince one of the lower classmen to pee in that room," she continued, glaring at all of the upperclassmen, "I hope you burn in the pits of hell surrounded by Sasha (she indicated her snake) and all of her friends that I keep at home."

"Now perhaps _some people_," she said, walking over to where Kiba was laughing, "don't understand how lovely air conditioning is in weather like this, and perhaps _some people_," she emphasized again, going over to where upperclassman Zetsu was, "don't understand the dangerous of depriving me from air conditioning."

"Now these 'some people' should know that the people who do understand will be telling you how nice it was to know you and what a horrible time you will have for the rest of the school year."

"I will end you if it is the last thing I do," Anko finished. Silence reigned for a while, while many weaker upperclassmen gulped.

And then the class began, and Anko began to teach the irregular past tenses of adjectives.

"It was nice knowing you, and I pity you, you poor fool," Sai whispered to Zetsu.

"Oh shut up," Zetsu whispered back, kicking Sai's chair, "at least I won't be in hell alone."

---------

Gai sat in his office, shifting through the letters that he had recently got in the mail. He had just finished giving another rousing lecture on what the benefits of healthy eating were. He smiled to himself, glad that he was helping young teens make a positive change in their lives.

'Junk, junk, junk,' he thought to himself, 'bill, bill, Viagra advertisement, junk, letter from Mom, junk, letter from distant cousin wanting money, junk, letter from person in Las Vegas… Las Vegas???'

Face paling, Gai took the letter from Las Vegas into his hands and placed all other letters to the side. There was no return address, and the envelope itself looked relatively harmless, but Gai knew better than that.

Every time he got something from Las Vegas, it was either a huge scam from some of his old 'friends,' or something that seemed really serious at first, but was actually just a professional scam to get money from him. Gai shook his head. Sure, he had told his kids that things that happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas, but some things always managed to come back to haunt you (besides, he had met his 'friends' during college, not in Vegas).

Like the letter he had just opened and was now reading.

_Dear Gai,_

_ Remember that night in Vegas? It was just you and me and a couple of apple-tinis. We were both single, drunk, and a little high from how much we had earned at the casino. Remember when we both thought we used a condom?_

_ Well, we didn't. And now I'm pregnant. I'm positive it's yours. _

_ Don't worry. You know me as well as any man who accompanied me to 'protect the youthful blossom' the entire night possibly could. I won't ask you to take the child into your care and disappear myself, but I do hope that you could be a father for this child._

_ I know what it feels like to not have a father, and I don't want that for… our child. Please email me or call me soon. _

_I want to hear from you. _

_Sorry,_

Ayame

Gai put the letter down with trembling hands, looking very unlike his 'Green Beast' self.

He breathed out a shaky breath and sunk into his mildly comfortable chair.

He had a lot to think about.

-------------

"Are you sure this is legal?" Kiba asked the blond next to him. The two had just skipped Study Hall, and were now standing in the middle of an empty corridor near the bathrooms.

"Yeah, un!" The blond enthusiastically replied. "Legal! At least where I came from!"

Kiba glanced down in the items in his hand. He vaguely recalled his sister, Hana, telling him to never trust blonds, but that was after she had been pranked by Naruto, so he wasn't too sure if he could trust her words.

"Come on, un," Deidara urged, "let's do it!"

Kiba shrugged. What was the worst that could happen?

"Alright," he said, lighting a match, "let's do it!"

"Do it and die," a cold voice said into the empty corridor. Kiba and Deidara looked behind them, only to see one Akasuna Sasori looming over them.

"Sasori!" Deidara yelled. "You're back!" Sasori gave the briefest of smiles that anyone who did not deal regularly with the Uchihas would have missed. Then he frowned a frown that everyone who knew the Uchihas knew spelled certain doom.

Sasori had been out of school to recover from a fever. It had only been about a week, but Deidara had been affected pretty badly.

Sasori glared at Deidara, completely ignoring Kiba, who felt that if he did not escape immediately, he was going to be forced to watch something rather unpleasant.

"Is this what you have been reduced to in my absence?" Sasori said to Deidara, eyes glancing down at the objects in Kiba's hands. Kiba saw this as a chance to run.

"Alright, so I'm going to leave you two to talk," Kiba said, before he got the hell out of there, taking the weapons of destruction (mentos and coke) with him, "bye."

The door swung shut behind him, and left the two upperclassmen staring at each other.

'Wow, I do _not_ want to get involved with that,' was the only thought Kiba had on the matter before he was cornered by a very angry hall monitor who demanded to see his hall pass.

----------

Sasuke gave a Uchiha smile (slight tilt of corners of lips at least 5 degrees up) when he saw Naruto sitting alone at the lunch table. Spanish class had been torture for him because he was late, and Asuma was _not_ a very forgiving teacher, especially after Konohamaru had been called to go the principal's office _again_ for behavioral issues.

So Sasuke was happy to see Naruto, because it meant that they could finally talk about their relationship and what had happened in the auditorium. Sasuke didn't know if the world knew, but he kind of wanted to get into the blonde's pants. And also heart, or soul, or mind, or whatever.

Uchihas didn't do romance very well, so you have to excuse him for sounding like a guy who only wants Naruto for his body.

"Hey idiot," Sasuke said, sliding into the seat next to Naruto. Naruto spit out his orange juice.

'What the hell, man?" Naruto yelled. "You can't sit here!"

"Whoa," Sasuke said, lifting up his hands in a 'calm down' gesture, "I'm just here to talk about what happened yesterday." Naruto snorted.

"Oh, you mean when you stood in front of me in the English classroom like the bastard you are?" Naruto glared. "It happens all the time, I don't know why you'd say sorry now." Sasuke was confused, but it didn't show on his face.

"What? I'm talking about what happened in the audito—" Naruto angrily slammed his orange juice down, causing the lunch ladies to wince when the orange juice sloshed out of the glass bottle.

"Okay, if you aren't going to move you bastard, I _will_," Naruto hissed, grabbing his tray and what was left of his orange juice. Standing up, and giving a 'hmph,' Naruto marched off to where Yamanaka Ino was sitting with Shikamaru and Choji.

"Hey guys," Sasuke heard Naruto say, "I'm gonna sit here with you guys. My space has been _invaded_."

"Troublesome," Shikamaru mumbled, before Ino smacked him upside the head.

"Shikamaru!" She admonished. Turning to Naruto, she said, "you're always welcome, as long as you can help me get this jerk to stop saying troublesome!"

Sasuke was very confused about what had just happened. It seemed like Naruto was… acting like their confrontation in the auditorium never happened?

'Well this sucks,' Sasuke thought. He knew that Naruto could be especially stubborn when he put his mind to it (showcased when Naruto denied that California was a part of America and even managed convince the _teacher_ that California was actually Spain's), and he knew that there were several forces against him.

(Gaara sneezed)

Sasuke shook his head. He'd get Naruto later. _Alone_ this time, and with no chance of escape.

'And I know just the time to do it,' he thought, before he grabbed his tuna sandwich and left the room.

-------------

'Yeah, you'd better run,' Gaara directly mentally at Sasuke, watching in satisfaction as the Uchiha left the room. Gaara was standing in the lunch line, ready to get his daily serving of spaghetti and meatballs. He nodded at the lunch lady when she gave him one more extra meatball than she gave everyone else.

He liked this lunch lady more than all the other ones. That's why she was the only one who didn't get his 'I'll kill you, bitch' glare to.

Gaara gripped his lunch tray and headed to the table where Naruto was sitting, noting that, yes, Naruto had chosen once again to sit with a fellow blond, and that, yes, it was going to be another annoying lunch period.

Just as he was three tables away from Naruto's table, a hand suddenly grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him down, while another hand tugged his lunch tray away from him.

Gasping in a way that only he, the Uchihas, and maybe a few other people could (also known as breathing once slightly faster than usual), Gaara was flung down into a seat while holding milk, the only thing that his assailant did not take from him.

"I will kill you," Gaara said to the person who had pulled him down, registering with slight shock that it was Hyuuga Neji who had pulled him down. Neji rolled his eyes.

"I saved your food," Neji said, putting Gaara's food down. Indeed, the spaghetti, the five meatballs, and the one illegal one were all there in perfect condition.

"I will kill you," Gaara repeated.

"I have to talk to you, remember? We've got an economics project to do in a month, and I'd rather get this over with now than later," Neji said logically while stuffing a straw into his milk carton.

Gaara didn't reply. Hinata, the other occupant of the table, suddenly widened her eyes like she understood something (what that something was, Gaara did not know and wanted to know) and excused herself. She left the table, and went to where Kiba and Shino were sitting, which was basically the table where Naruto, Ino, Shikamaru, and Choji were.

"Talk," Gaara said. And Neji did.

-----------

Over at the renamed NCIS-KSH table, Hinata sat down with her lunch. She was not particularly angry that she had moved, but she was a little afraid of what was going on at the table she had just departed.

"Hey Hinata!" Naruto yelled. "Why are you sitting over here?" Hinata shrugged, lowering her eyes shyly.

"I-I don't know," she said quietly, "I thought I should leave that table, though." All eyes turned to where Neji and Gaara were discussing their Economics project

"No, I think we should do something where we're selling things that are actually useful," they heard Neji say.

"Offering our services to bury and get rid of dead bodies _is_ useful," Gaara argued back in his 'I'll kill you bitch' tone.

"Who would want that?" Neji asked, exasperated. Gaara glared.

"I would, especially after I kill you."

"Hey guys!" Sakura said happily as she plopped herself down next to Ino, "what's the drama?"

"If you knew, you'd be dead by tomorrow," Shino said. Sakura glanced at the direction most people at the table were looking at.

"Alright, let's just leave them alone to discuss," Naruto said, "we've got bigger problems." He waved his hands in front of the faces of the people who were still staring at Neji and Gaara. As much as he knew that Gaara was actually a total softie, sometimes Gaara could really be an ass to people who really bothered him. Naruto did not want to push the line.

"What problems?" Kiba asked, scarfing down his slice of meat lover pizza.

"Maybe it's that you peed in the French classroom," Sakura said.

"Eww, that's so sick, Kiba! There aren't even plants in that room!" Ino said, disgusted and wrinkling her nose. Kiba rolled his eyes.

"Whatever," he said, "I got what I wanted from it."

"Hundreds of people wanting to neuter you?" Shikamaru said. "Ms. Anko is going to kill you." He sighed. "So troublesome…"

Choji just munched on his chips. He didn't care about where Kiba's excrement landed, as long as he didn't have to smell it.

"Calm down, guys," Kiba said, "sheesh, it was just orange juice and a few other chemicals. I didn't even do it."

"Dude, you've got the snake lady after you!" Naruto exclaimed. "Not smart!"

"I'll handle it," Kiba said, "no one ever said The Man didn't have tricks up his sleeves."

Pulling Naruto to the side, Sakura said, "don't worry. If things get ugly, Gaara will always know where to hide the body." Naruto nodded in understanding.

"Okay," Naruto said, "it's your life, Kiba, you do what's right for you."

After all, Gaara would always be able to get rid of the body no matter what.

-----------------

"It's been so boring here around you, un!" Deidara said loudly, eating his pasta. He and Sasori were sitting alone under a big tree outside. The other seniors (and a few juniors) would be joining them soon, but until then, Deidara had Sasori all to himself, the way it was up until sophomore year.

Sasori didn't reply and ate his sushi quietly. Deidara's chattering was enough talking for both of them.

"No one understand me in the art room except for you, un," Deidara said, "it sucks when you aren't here."

Sasori still didn't reply. Only when Deidara's hand found his and gripped a little, did he make any reaction by gripping back.

Deidara loved to talk, and Sasori hated talking.

But Deidara found that it all worked out in the end, because even if Sasori didn't say anything, he always knew what he was thinking.

Sometimes it was the only reason that love-hating Pien didn't do anything to break them apart.

-----------------

Meanwhile, while the juniors and some seniors were peacefully eating their lunches, two dark figures were talking to each other in the gym.

"We must speed progress along faster..." One whispered to the other.

"Yes, we must," the other figure replied, "but how?"

The two stood in silence for some very long moments before the warning bell rang, signaling that lunch was over.

"Shit!" One of them cursed, dropping the pretense of being a super special secret agent. "Ah, fuck it. We'll find a way somehow." With that, the two of them left the gym.

Parting with the other, Uchiha Itachi sighed in his mind while he walked towards his AP Government class.

One way or another, he vowed to himself, he was going to get Naruto and Sasuke together, even if his foolish little brother kept on messing everything up.

'A Uchiha,' Itachi mused to himself, 'should not be so pathetic as to show up to a family gathering without a date.'

With the thought that he was preserving his family's dignity by getting Naruto and Sasuke together, Itachi happily (for him, anyways) walked off to class.

----------------

A/N: So there's romance between a lot of characters, and Naruto is denying that anything ever happened (which is totally throwing a wrench into Sasuke's plans.

There are a lot of hormones flying around, too.

So far Neji, Itachi, and Kisame are trying to help Sasuke get Naruto. Only Gaara is openly throwing wrenches into their plans. Everyone else is just enjoying the show (Naruto: the bastards!).

Man, I haven't decided how many chapters this will be…

Oh well, I hope you guys liked it!

- Ciamil B.


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